


Nothing is Beautiful, Everything is a War

by dumbfordead



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-01-24 10:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1601684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbfordead/pseuds/dumbfordead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Choi Seunghyun isn't your golden student, he smokes up, gets high to forget the torment he's been through. He'd rather be out and taking on the world but he stays at home. His kid brother Jaeseon keeps him there and if it wasn't for him, he'd be gone. As for Jiyong, his family has great expectation for him. They expect him to be a doctor just as everyone else in his family has become. His family just failed to notice that alcohol has consumed too much of Jiyong. He drinks and drinks and no one around him cares enough to notice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Hate Myself

  
I saw my reflection in a car sittin’ in front of a cafe.  
I looked so pitiful.  
I hate myself.

내가싫다 - Drunken Tiger [x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCj9YZ7t-lA)

 

** Chapter 1 **

_Seunghyun_

    Everything will be alright.  
    Everything will be alright.

Yeah right.

I suck in a long drag from the pipe. Taking in the burn of the weed in my throat, finally feeling whole again. I don’t why I did it. Why I needed to be high to function. I was always fucked in the head, but the only time I felt clear was while I was flying. Not the greatest alternative, but I didn’t see any other way to go. No other way to escape. To keep me calm. To keep me from the handprints carved all over my body because of him. 

Taking in another long drag, I hold the smoke in once I heard the front door open. Scared that it is my mom, I hide the pipe, the small bag and anything that can get me in the shits. From the little crack of my window, I push it all the away, in attempt to get all of the smoke out of the room.

I tried too late.

I’m too high to move fast enough.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I didn’t have enough time to smoke as much as I did.

My mom knocks on the door. I feel my heart in my throat.  _Please leave._  I think.  _Please._ It was like she could hear my thoughts. Feel my panic. Next thing I knew, the door swung open, she stormed in and pushed me into the bed. She couldn’t have gotten in. I locked the door. I did.

“You’ve been smoking again?” she barks. I shake my head. She knows I’m lying. I can feel my eyes low and they burn. They’re red. She knows. My mom grabs my chin, pulling me up. She makes my look at her. I try to turn, put she just puts more pressure to my chin. I can’t feel the pain. She twists my chin in attempt to hurt me.

I can’t feel it.

I’m too numb.

I only feel the blade dragging across my leg.

This is all child’s play.

No pain.

She backhands me across my cheek. My head knocks onto the bed. My eyes blurry. Nothing is clear. I try to shake it off, but it only makes it worst. Blinking, I stand up and give her a big FUCK YOU as I storm out of my bedroom.

This is the same song and dance. She always tries to start trouble for no reason. It’s obvious she’s mad at herself. I don’t know. She blows her steam off on me. She could go fuck herself for all I care, but she can’t. She needs to sleep around. Pay for the shitty house we live in. There’s just her, my little brother and me living there. It would be easier if it was just my little brother and I. Then I didn’t have to deal with her shit and I could smoke in peace.

Before leaving the house, I check up on my brother. He’s in the living room, playing on the ps3 I bought him. I worked small jobs all year to save up for the game. He had been begging me for months before I coughed up enough cash to buy it for him. His face lit up once I brought the box home. I love seeing him happy. It hurts me when he’s not.

“You okay?” he asks. I nod. “She pull your chin again?” He grins. He thinks this is all games. I wish I could tell him different, but I can’t think right now. He’s okay. That’s all that matters.

“See you later, Jae.” I tell him, walking out the front door. He calls after me, but I can’t hear him. I shut him out as I put headphones on. Blasting loud music. Drowning into my mixed feelings. This is all so shitty. I want to change so much. Not me. I’m too messed to change. I wish my mom was different. I wish our lives were different. That my mom did care about us and didn’t lose her temper. That she didn’t hit me.

I don’t really care she hits me as long it isn’t in front of Jae. I’m fucked, but I do anything to make sure he doesn’t see anything. It’s bad enough he thinks it’s okay to hurt people. That should never be okay. I need to be more careful when I’m around him and mom comes home.

Without any thought to it, I walked until I was at my buddy’s, Daesung’s place. He’s quiet and to be honest, I don’t know how he’s my best friend. He’s always in his own little world. Thinking of all of these cool ideas that had to deal with bio or physics or something. He was smart when it came to math and science. It was mad crazy.

I walked to his bedroom. His parents are gone. They always are. Pretty cool. I don’t like being around older people unless they get me high. Some pointers so we’re cool: 

  1. Get me high and we're cool
  2. Don’t ask me about my family. I’ll fuck you up. (Not literally)
  3. If you ask me for money, I have nothing. I’m broke.
  4. I’m fucked.
  5. If I don’t answer, I’m high.
  6. I’m always high.



He smiles and we go to the balcony. He rolls two joints. They’re not big, but I don’t mind. Daesung isn’t much of a smoker. He says he does it for the taste. I don’t know why he says that. It’s better than just taste. It takes you away with the burn. Beautiful.

It must have been mixed with coke or something, but I ended up blacking out. Daesung and I were laughing, walking down the street.

Bam.

We’re at the park.

Bam.

We’re sitting in a cafe. Coffee shop? Somewhere. I don’t really see the difference between the two. You get coffee.

Bam.

I’m sitting alone at the coffee shop. I look outside and it’s raining. I don’t remember when it started. It’s a downpour. Daesung’s gone. I don’t know where he is. Bathroom maybe. My throat burns. I look outside. I feel like shit. I want to get away, but I can’t leave. Jae can’t be left alone. I would hate myself even more if I left him with her. She’s shit and Jae is still pure in some ways.

No.

Not some. In every way possible, he’s pure. He’s my brother. I love him. I hate myself. 


	2. Swimming Pools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong is introduced. Alcohol is drowning him.

  
I was in a dark room   
Loud tunes, looking to make a vow soon  
That I’mma get fucked up, fillin’ up my cup

Swimming Pools (Drank) [Extended Version] - Kendrick Lamar [x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjPdBe_NXh8)

 

** Chapter 2 **

_Jiyong_

I walk to the bathroom. The mirror is spinning. Hangover. I need to shake it away, but I can’t shake my body. It’ll hurt too much. My head is pounding. I drank too much last night. I need to sober up before I make my way downstairs. If I look sick, my mom will yell at me. She’ll tell me that I can’t miss school if I want to make it with honours. She cares more about school then she does about me.

Wiping the cold out of my eye, I turn on a freezing shower. Goosebumps crawling up my arms as I go under. It’s too cold, but I heard cold showers help. I doubt it. Alcohol streams through the blood and I doubt the cold water does anything subsiding the fact that I’m now cold. I rinse my body. Not really bothering with washing my hair. The water is too cold to do anything.

I get out, toweling myself dry before I go to my room, getting my clothes on. I don’t really care about how my hair is, but my dad will say something. He says it’s always better to start looking cleaner when you’re young. He says a lot of things. Both of my parents do. They talk for nothing. Everyone talks for nothing.

I don’t talk at all. I stay quiet.

If I say something, they twist my words to somehow make it my fault.

I stopped trying to reason with them. There’s no use. All they do is yell at me if I don’t do what they say. What about me? What about what I want? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

_Get honours._

I’m working towards that.

_Your hair is messy_

I’ll go and fix that right now.

_Is your room clean?_

Yeah. The bottles are behind the bookshelf if you want.

_Now go and be a doctor._

I don’t want to be a doctor. I want to be a––

_It doesn’t matter. Every son in our family is a doctor or is working towards being a doctor._

They don’t care about me. They don’t know I drink. Even if they found out, I don’t think they would really care. Maybe they would, but I don’t think they would care in a way I would want them too. They’ll probably worry and tell me that drinking could ruin my career. They wouldn’t care that I’m trying to drown them out and if they want me to stop, they have to stop pushing me to be a doctor. My parents have to understand that I don’t want to be a doctor.

Being drunk is more fun anyway.

I’ll stick with that.

My secret.

If they really care about me, maybe, just maybe, they would ask what I want to be.

What do I want to be?

I’ve been so caught up in arguing with them about not being a doctor, along the way, I forgot what I want to be. Maybe the alcohol had helped drown the real dream. 

Quickly fixing my hair, I go downstairs. I feel like everyone in the room is staring at me.

 _Don’t look at me_ , I plead with my eyes. They look away and carry on with whatever they were doing. I hope they don’t realize I’m hungover. I drank too much last night. My head is pounding and I need to get something to stop the pain. I get a muffin and I leave the house. I walk to the bus and get to school. Mom didn’t say anything this morning and I found that odd, but I shrug it off. She’s probably just pissed because I woke up late.

She’s always pissed about herself.

As for my dad, he thinks too much. He’s losing a lot of his hair.

On the bus, my best friend, Youngbae is sitting in the back and I sit beside him. He slides his headphones off and smiles at me.

“What were you listening to?” I ask him. He tells me. Kendrick Lamar. I’ve heard of him before, but I haven’t listened to him. School has been taking too much of my time that I haven’t really thought about getting into new music. School just deemed more important because even failing one class will be the death of me. I don’t want to die. Not yet anyway.

“Here,” he says, handing me the headphones. I put them on and he plays me a song.  _Swimming Pools_. Deep song. I was astonished about how detailed his story telling was. Made me question why I put him off for so long. Today after school, no ands if or buts, I’m downloading Kendrick Lamar.

“Play it again,” I tell Youngbae. He nods, starting the song again. I get lost in the slow, but mellowed beat. His rap is slow, but his voice somehow tugs at you and then listening to the words, they just start pull at your soul. Tugging on every corner. Making sure he has made a mark. I’m in love. I think. He speaks to me.

Youngbae pulls at his headphones, then I realize that we have to get off and walk the rest of the way to school.

We get to school. The walk is short and Youngbae doesn’t really say anything. He just listens to Kendrick speak to him. I’m jealous. He’s so calm and chill and yet, so much fun to be around. Then there’s me. I’m always worrying about the next test. Do I know everything I need to know? Did I do all of my summer homework? Did I finish my major project? Anything that has to deal with school, I’m always worrying about. It’s fucking ridiculous.

I fucking hate it.

I’ve been so caught up in school that when I was first offered my first drink, I was hooked. The burn. The blurriness of my everyday thoughts were slowly being washed away with each sip. With each gulp that had alcohol in it. I love sitting in my room, listening to music and drinking alone. I don’t like drinking around other people. I don’t know how to respond to them without revealing how sad I am.

I’m just glad that it was Youngbae that made me drink my first cup of mixed vodka. If it were someone else, I don’t think I would have accepted the drink.

The classes drag and then lunch comes. I sit by myself in the library. I don’t eat. It’ll just come back up because I’m too hungover to keep anything down.

I sit at a table near the window. I grab a random notebook from my backpack. I start to re-read the notes, but I’m not really interested. I just end up looking out the window. I watch as other students are with other’s, smiling, laughing, as if nothing is wrong. They make me jealous. Really jealous. I feel sick.

I look away. It’s disgusting how distant I am from those people. I fake a smile when I need to. Then I show my other emotions when I’m in my room alone. 

Looking around the library, I see someone sitting alone across the room. They’re looking at me. Quickly, I look down, back to my notes, but I can feel their eyes on me. Like they know something is off about me. I look up again, to see if I know them. I remember seeing them in my class, but a name isn’t clicking in for me. Whoever it is, they stand up, give me a small smile and leave the library. 

For the rest of the day, I try and think of what his name is. I think of a lot, but nothing. I get out of school and I go more into the city, standing in front of a random store. Asking anyone that can buy me whiskey. It doesn’t take long and when I do get the small bottle, I thank the guy by giving him a few bills. I go home with the bottle in my backpack and I go upstairs to my room. Telling my family that I’m busy with a paper and they can’t bother me. They always buy that lie. Well it’s a partial lie. 

Once I’m in my room, I take the bottle out and put it on my desk along with my backpack. I open the window. I do this to avoid my room reeking of alcohol. It works. Never got caught before. I grab my notebook and start writing the draft for some paper. As I write and write, my writing gets messier and messier as I drink more. It’s not a problem. I can always read my writing.

I finish the draft.

I lay on my bed.

His small smile flashes through my mind as I drink.

Who is he?

Why does he stare at me like he knows me.

I don’t even know me.

Fucking bullshit.

I turn the music up loud as I lay in bed.

The bottle is finish and I have nothing else to drink. I hide the bottle behind my bookshelf and I toss and turn in my bed. His smile is keeping me awake. It’s pissing me off because I can’t remember his name and the fact that he knows something about me when he shouldn’t.

Not even Youngbae knows me. I won’t let him. I won’t let me.

I sit up and look around my room. My head slightly spinning. I get up and look through the empty bottles behind my bookshelf. Hoping to find a little bit. I need more to drink so I can sleep tonight. There’s nothing. 

Fuck. I stand up and I’m about to throw something off my table. Then I remember. I look in my drawer and there it is. My back up. It’s a bigger bottle from the other’s, but it’ll put me to sleep. From my windowsill, I grab the plastic cup and pour myself some whiskey to the brim. I sit on my bed, leaning against the wall as I drink the vile taste. My favourite taste. 

I finish the glass.

I think about getting more, but I stop myself.

I have to get some sleep by tomorrow.

I have school.

I can’t miss school.

I’m drowning.

The thought of school makes me cringe.

I turn the music up louder and lay on my stomach. Slowly, I fade away into sleep. I don’t hurt and I don’t feel anything. The bests sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's the second chapter. i hope people realize that this is jiyong's chapter. i will be going back and forth between each character. well anyways, what do you think? do you know who the mystery guy jiyong can't seem to remember is???? i hope i made it clear. if not, so sorry.


	3. Heartmelt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart is gone.

But then, I opened my heart  
And then I let Him enter it  
He looked into my heart  
And then He took it out and emptied it.

Heartmelt: Part Two [Introduction] [x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNZXg-higNI)

 

**Chapter 3**

_Seunghyun_

I sat in the library. I saw him sitting there and even though I was so high, he’s so beautiful. He’s so confident in what he does. He’s so committed to his class work and he looks so untouchable. Just by looking at him, I don’t even want to go to him. Ask him how his day is because I know that would be stupid coming from someone so low class like me.

He see’s me.

I keep my gaze to his.

He looks away, but that doesn’t stop me.

I continue looking at him.

He’s so beautiful.

Just by looking at him, I can tell he has his life figured out. I don’t know what he wants to be, but I know he knows what he needs to do to get there. What I do know is, he comes from a wealthy family. A family of doctors. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to be. I don’t care what he wants to be, all I care about is him. I can’t help but admire him. He’s everything I’m not. That breaks me. The bell rings and I leave the school.

The next class doesn’t appeal to me.

Nothing appeals to me.

Once I sneak out of school, I call Daesung. He’s already at my house. He breaks in when he doesn’t want to go to school. I don’t mind. I go home, but before I go there, I buy more weed. I had some extra change from the last job I worked at. I ended up buying a lot of weed, but I don’t care. All I care about is getting high right now. 

I walk into my home and go to my bedroom. Daesung is sitting on my bed and I join him. Sitting next to him, I pull out the bag of weed from my pocket. His eyes light up in glee. Instantly, he grabs the bong from my closet and then sits next to me as I sit on my bed. Grabbing my weed grinder, I grab a junk of weed and crush it. Once it’s in small pieces, I put some onto the bowl of the bong. I light it and take a big hit. Inhaling a long drag as I hold it in my chest. It burns. My body wants to let it out, but I hold it in. I want to feel high.

Slowly, I blow out the smoke. I watch it as it rises to the ceiling. Disappearing as it reaches to the top. As I watch it, Daesung takes the bong and light his own bowl, but I don’t care what he does. My mind goes black and I fall onto my back. My hand goes over my chest and my heart aches.

Make it stop.

I don’t want to think about Him.

He shouldn’t be here.

My mind is my safe haven.

It’s supposed to keep Him out.

It always worked. When I’m really high, nothing but good music comes to my mind.

Why is He here?

Get away.

Fuck off!

I want to scream, but I can’t. Daesung will think I’m a loser. I’m already a loser.

So I stay quiet. Even though my body feels gross. The thoughts of Him touching me cloud my mind. I can feel His hands. I don’t want to remember his touch. I don’t want to remember anything. Nothing. My body hurts. My legs burn up in ache. I start to shake my head as I sit up. Daesung looks at me, worry in his eyes.

“We should smoke more.” Daesung nods. As he gets the next bowl ready, I get up and turn on the stereo. Skizzy Mars fills the room. It doesn’t feel that quiet now. It’s better this way. The Come Down. Phases. What Up Girl. I don’t know which song is playing, but I’m lost in it. The music is mellow and it calms me down.

I sit back down and Daesung is finishing up his hit. I take the bong after he’s done and I put a few pieces of weed into the bowl. I light it up and suck in all the smoke. My throat burns. He flashes in my mind. My legs begin to burn again. I blow the smoke out and I go to the bedroom.

Locking the bathroom door, I pull a drawer out and grab my razors. I bought them so I could shave, but I don’t grow much hair on my face. Instead, I use them for something else.

Before I do anything, I look at myself. I look ugly. My hair is all over the place. My shirt isn’t hanging on me properly. My eyes low and are red from smoking. I’m high as fuck and in all truth, I look like shit. I clench my hand on the razor once I close my eyes.

Stop.

Stop.

STOP!

I almost scream out.

Breathe.

My breath is shaky. He keeps flashing through my mind and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to get Him off of my mind. Smoking didn’t help. Not this time. It always helps. Always. Well, I guess that’s why I do this too. This helps keeps His hands off me for a while.

I pull my pants down and I sit on the floor. My thighs are both ugly and beautiful. Beautiful because I did this to keep Him away. Ugly because I hurt myself to keep His pain away. It’s all so fucked up.

My fingers run over the scars and fresh marks on both my thighs. There’s so many. Too many.

Pressing the razor to my skin, I drag it across. I go over old scars and I make new marks. It hurts. Stings. It doesn’t matter though. I stop thinking about anything else. My mind only thinking about the pain I caused myself and how heavy my mind is from smoking up.

I watch the blood.

It starts to slide down my thigh.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Before too much blood gets on the floor. I open another drawer and I grab a cloth. I wipe the blood off the floor and I press the cloth to my thigh. 

Taking a few deep breathes, I stand up, my hand on the counter for support. I set the cloth on the counter and pull my pants back up. I rinse the cloth as best as I could. The red stain is faint and it’s good enough for me. I don’t really care right now. I leave the bathroom and go back to my room. Daesung isn’t there. I check the living room and he’s on the couch, playing on the ps3.

I sit next to him. Something tells me that I should tell him to get off the ps3. But I don’t say anything. Instead, I just sit there, getting lost into the screen. The dark colours. The sounds of guns firing and people screaming. I end up falling asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops my fingers slipped. sorry for a dark chapter. it wasn't supposed to be this dark i guess, but anywho, i'm sure i'll be writing darker chapters later on.


	4. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chae's story.

I’m so fucking depressed  
I just can’t seem to get out this slump  
If I could just over this hump  
But I need something to pull me out this dump

Beautiful - Eminem [x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTa14Sui7mw)

 

**Chapter 4**

_Jiyong_

The bright sun shone through the curtains, waking me up. It’s still the morning. I can tell because the sun isn’t as high it would be when it’s around noon. I have this feeling that I’ve been up for a long time. Maybe since 7? 8? I don’t know. I just know I’ve been up for a long time. My body is telling me to get up, but I can just stay in bed today. I have nothing to do. Nothing. Which fucking sucks. Only sucks because I feel so fucking lifeless right now and some fun would be pretty awesome right now, but my body feels dead. So weak.

Which is odd.

I only ever feel like this when I’m dealing with a bad hangover. I didn’t drink last night. I had no money to drink with. My mom didn’t give me my allowance because she “forgot” which is bullshit. She got paid yesterday and I did nothing wrong to piss her off. It’s because of my sister she didn’t give me money. My sister, Chaerin, came back from her ventures around the world. My parents don’t like it when she comes around. Only because they feel like she only comes for money and for a place to crash when she has no where else to go. Well, that’s mostly true. My parents only choose what they want to see.

I love my sister. She’s the best person to be around. It’s like, you can’t help but feel alive when you’re with her. I never drink when she’s back home. She would find out in a second. It’s not like she would tell our parents or anything, but I think she would be hurt by it. I don’t know. That’s just how I see it. Well for starters, she doesn’t like drinking. Her first boyfriend used to drink a lot and they would always get into arguments when he was drinking. She just wasn’t happy being with him.

The same goes for me. I didn’t like seeing her sad all the time because of her boyfriend. She was so lifeless. So lost when he went on a drinking binge. He would hit her around from time to time,  but she was strong about it when she left that relationship. Took a lot for her to leave. When she first tried leaving him, he threatened that he was going to kill himself. She stayed. Then one night, he got pretty drunk. I mean, he was falling all over the place drunk.

Our parents were out on vacation. It was just Chaerin, her boyfriend and I at the house. I was in my room and I was doing a paper. I’m pretty sure it was on Martin Luther King. I don’t know. Downstairs, I could hear some screaming. That was pretty normal when her boyfriend was drinking. They would start fighting. Only once did I see him hit her. I was so mad. I wanted to beat the guy for hurting her.

Anyways, I go downstairs. Sounded like it was a bad scene from upstairs and I was worried. I get downstairs and he’s on top of her, giving it to her. I mean, this wasn’t just one backhand to the face. He was actually fighting her and I don’t even know what set him off. Out of anger, I went to him and pushed him off. I started punching him and I couldn’t hear anything around me. It was just black all around his face. Then I heard Chaerin screaming for me to stop. That I was going to kill him. That was when I was brought back to reality. I pushed him to the ground and then looked at Chae. Her face was swelled up and one side and was already bruising up.

She was crying. It killed me seeing her like this. She told me to help drag him out of the house. I told her I would help. He mumblled, saying that he was sorry, but I told Chae not to listen. She nodded. We dragged him until we were far from our home. She grabbed his phone and deleted her number from it and we went back home. The day after, she told me she was leaving. I didn’t want her to go. Then, she kept my sanity. Now, I’m just insane. She left a day before our parents came back from their vacation. She took all the money that we both had and she left. She said she would always come back for me.

She kept her word. Well for the most part anyway.

It was hard to keep in contact. She was never in one place more than a week when she had the money. Then when she needed more cash in her pocket, she would come back, ask our parents for money. She never stole it, she always asked for it. It wasn’t like she was out doing drugs or anything, she just wanted to run. Just like me.

I lay on my back and my door opens. I look to see Chae come in. She lays on the bed with me. She’s been crying.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her. She shakes her head.

“We should go out today. Go out to eat or something. It’s been a while.” I don’t argue. My mind has been going all over the place. From thinking about Chae and thinking about him.

He has been on my mind since the library. After he had stared at me, I had to find out his name. Later in the day, I found out his name is Seunghyun. Choi Seunghyun. His name keeps coming to mind. I almost have to stop myself from saying his name out. It just sounds so beautiful. So fierce that it almost makes him untouchable. Something told me that I needed to speak to him, but that has to wait. Chae is back. I need to spend time with her. Who knows how long she will be gone once she goes again. 14 months. That’s a long time with no contact. 

Chae and I both get ready and before leaving, my mom gives me money. Enough to get me a meal with Chae and a couple bottles of vodka. I thank her and we left. It feels nice to be with her. I really missed her. She actually looks happy and healthy. I’m happy for her. I just hope she won’t see me. She’s like a mother in some ways. Treats me like a mother would and even how she cleans is like a mom. it’s weird, but I still love her.

“Hello?” Chae says. I blink and look around.

“Sorry. What was that?”

She shakes her head. “It’s okay. I was just saying that I was in Vegas and wow. The city is alive all the time. Especially on Fridays. It’s so fun and you just feel alive. I loved it. I didn’t have a lot of money. Only enough for my hotel and my flight back home, but I didn’t care. Even walking around was enough for me.”

“We should go there. Together.” I tell her. I was always envious of her. She’s so free. I’m so locked up in school and pleasing our parents.

“We will. Oh and walking around wasn’t even the best part. The people who did street art. That’s amazing.” I smile at her and we walk into a place to get some food. She just talks and talks on and on about her stay in Vegas. I’m happy that she was happy, but it hurt because  I would never be able to have that life. So carefree and living. 

“Hey,” Chae says, poking my cheek with her chopstick. “What’s up? You barely smiled the whole time I’ve been back.” I shake my head and tell her that it’s nothing and continue eating my food. “Mom and dad eating you up about med school?”

“It’s not that. Just got some things on my mind.” I tell her. I look around the shop, trying to keep myself distracted. The door rings and I look. I almost stop breathing. It’s him. He’s here. I feel my face heat up and I don’t know why I’m getting flustered. It wasn’t like I like him or anything like that.

“You’re so cute,” Chae whispers, food in her mouth. 

“What?” I say, looking back at her. 

“You’re blushing.”

“No I’m not.” I press the back of my hand on my cheeks. In attempt to cool them down. “Are you done?” I ask her, leaving money on the table. She nods, taking a few bites before going outside. As I’m walking out the door, I realize I left my phone on the table and in the process of getting it back, I bump into someone. “Sorry,” I apologize.

“It’s okay. You forgot this?” I look to see who it is and it’s Seunghyun. My heart is beating fast.

Stop.

Breathe.

“Thanks,” I tell him. I grab my phone that’s in his hand.

“Jiyong, right?” 

“I––Uh, yeah. Jiyong.” I hold my hand out, embarrassed because I’m stuttering. “Your name is?” I ask, politely. I know who he is.

Don’t act stupid.

“Come on, Jiyong. I’m Seunghyun. I sit next to you when I go to school.” He let out a small laugh and if I could die from something so sexy, I would be dead then. Gosh. I was acting like a little schoolgirl. I’m strong than this.

“Very funny, Seunghyun.” I look him in the eyes.

He knows me. 

The look in his eyes.

They already carved themself into my mind.

His eyes.

So breathtaking.

Sharp.

They can see me.

That scares me.

No one is supposed to know me.

I don’t even know me.

“You’re girlfriend is waiting for you. You should go.” Before I could say anything, he turns his back and goes back to whoever he’s with. I feel dumbfounded. Blinking a few times, I went outside.

“He’s cute,” Chae says as we start walking. “What’s his name?” I tell her. “I like that. So mysterious.” Her voice lingers on the last word and I have to agree with her.

“We should go home, I have some homework I have to do,” I say, lying. When really all I want to do is have a drink. It bothers me because I know nothing about Seunghyun, but yet, it feels like he can see straight through me and he can see my every flaw. I fucking hate it.

Chae nods and we walk back home. To lighten the mood, I tell her that Seunghyun thought she was my girlfriend. We had a good laugh. It felt nice to actually laugh and not fake it. We get home and our fun is ended by our mom. She starts yelling, asking where we were. I tell her. She says I’m lying and tells me to go to my room.  She’s treating me like a child. I fucking hate it and my good mood is shot because of her. I go back upstairs, blasting the music, zoning out from the yelling. I open the window and I grab my cup and my back up. I start drinking. I want to feel numb again.

I fucking hate how she can set me off by just a few words. I let her get to me too easy. I need to learn how to control my emotions. She’s killing me.

I finish my cup and I lay down in my bed. I just lay there. I can’t sleep.

My eyes wide open.

My chest feels empty.

Once again, I feel like not living anymore.

Right now, I want to drink myself to death, but I can’t do that. Chaerin will be hurt.

I can’t do that to her.

I’ll just feel empty.

Yeah.

I just hope Chae won’t leave soon. That she’ll stay longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really know if i really like this. i do, but at the same time, i don't. ah. i don't know. i'm really happy because i have over 30 subs and that was only on the first three chapters! so happy. so, how do you guys like chaerin's character or how jiyong and seunghyun finally had a conversation?? hmm?? let me know, please?


	5. Save Me From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm too lost to be fixed.

The pain that makes me “me”  
Then without it, who am I  
In a room with broken walls  
I lay in scene and dreams  
I want you to see.

Save Me From Me - Amber Pacific [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYeS_e7md2o)

 

** Chapter 5 **

_Seunghyun_

I didn’t go to school. Again. Oh well. When did I ever like going to school? Never. I always hated going. I can admit though, I did enjoy going to school when I was younger. Kept me away from Him. When He was still around before bailing out on me and mom. Jae wasn’t born then. The drinking and the fights were still pretty bad, but mom was nicer to me. Now she’s pretty fucked up.

The door slams and by the steps going towards the kitchen, I know that Jae is back from school. Without realizing it, time just flew. Literally. I woke up this morning at seven. Had trouble going back to sleep. I was thinking about Jiyong. Kwon Jiyong. He’s perfect. His grades, perfect. His features, perfect. The way he thinks, perfect. Everything. Perfect. The other night, just that little bit speaking to him, I was lost. Feeling flustered while talking to him. A man shouldn’t be doing this to me. I grew up, thinking that I had to be with women and not men. The feelings I have towards Jiyong, they confuse me.

Rolling out of bed, I scratch my head, walking towards the kitchen.

“Hey,” I say to Jae. He’s standing at the fridge. “I’ll make you something to eat,” I tell him.

“What are you gonna cook?” he asks me, sitting at the small table against the wall. I don’t answer him, but instead, I go to the fridge, grabbing some things for soup. There isn’t a lot of food in the fridge and I think of what I can buy with the little cash I have left. There’s no use in asking my mom for money. She’ll say no, even if I tell her that its for food for Jae. She doesn’t care. I have to take care of Jae myself. She won’t, his dad won’t, but I’m willing too and to me, that’s all that matters. That’s all that should matter.

“Soup alright?” I ask him, putting a pot on the burner, pouring water in it to boil.

“Do I have any choice?” he asks me, but before I can say anything, he continues, “It’s alright, you make the best soup anyway.” He smiles at me.

As I start putting random things in the pot, mixing it together, I hope that whatever I use will still taste good.

“How’s school?” I ask him, leaning against the counter, looking at him. It’s been a while since I’ve looked at him. I’m now realizing how much he’s grown. He’s still a kid, but he’s growing up to be a handsome kid. He’s twelve and sometimes, I feel like he understands this world better than I ever could. The thought scares me. I’m the older one. I’m supposed to be protecting him from all the shit I grow through, but if someone asks me how’s that going, I would say I failed. Big time. 

“You know if you didn’t get high, we’d have more money.” My chest feels heavy.

He knows I get high.

I should run, but I can’t.

I dare not too.

Unknowingly, I know that if I leave him, he’ll be more lost than I am now. With this in mind, I know I shall never leave him. Especially with the hands of our mom.

I ruffle his hair before turning back to the soup I was preparing for him. I continue cooking for him in silence. The fact that he knows that most of the money I should be spending on him goes to weed, doesn’t sit too well for me. It’s doesn’t feel right to be around him right now and once I’m done the soup and he finishes eating, I’m out the house. Leaving him alone. 

I end up leaving him, but it won’t be forever. 

The sun is getting lower, but it’s still pretty bright outside. A nice orange glow and I wanna get high. Just because Jae knows isn’t going to stop me. Because he knows, I need something to calm me down. I have a joint in my pocket and that isn’t even enough for a short high. I walk to a dealers house, buy a couple more joints and then I go to the playground not too far from my house. There isn’t anyone there. Lucky me.

Sitting on a swing, I light a joint, inhaling long drags.

The smoke rises and I get lost in it.

I don’t even realize when I’m finish smoking one joint because by now, I’m lighting the next one.

I don’t really care.

I need my escape.

Smoking the next joint, I hear someone speaking to me. Turning to my right, I see Jiyong.

BAM!

My heart starts to beat hard again.

Why does he do this to me?

He hasn’t even said anything yet.

Does he want me to speak first?

“Can I try?” he asks me. I’m in a ‘Fuck it!’ mood and I pass the joint to him. Telling him to pinch the end and suck in the smoke without getting the paper wet. He’s almost like a pro. I watch as he sucks in the air, but instead of blowing the smoke out smoothly, he starts coughing. I laugh at him cause it’s funny. “How can you smoke that?” he asks me, still coughing.

I shrug, taking the joint back from him, continuing to smoke it. He smiles and it looks beautiful. Shaking the thought away, I finish smoking the joint, saving the last one for later. For when I go to sleep. Jiyong is distracting me and this is better than getting high all the time. Suddenly, the thought of telling everything about me seems like an option now. Like I can actually trust Jiyong and it could go the same way, but at the same time, I could be too high and I might be wrong. Might be. That’s the thing with me being high right now, I can’t act on my thoughts.

“What brings you here, Jiyong?” I ask him, grinning. My eyes low.

He starts to swing and the higher he gets, the more lost I am. 

“Just felt like going for a walk. Wandered here and saw you. Thought I would come by,” he tells me. I blink a few times as I register what he just said to me. The more I think, he starts to stop swinging. “You ever just get the urge to go. Just leave?” he asks, looking at me. I want to laugh, but I know how he feels. I get exactly how he feels actually.

“Shouldn’t you be home, studying or something?” I ask him. It isn’t anything personal, but something tells me that I shouldn’t get close to him. Then again, I want to get close to him.

Something about him seems off.

Like me.

Like he’s empty and he’s just as lost as I am.

I feel like we can understand each other. 

“You high?” I ask him and he starts laughing.

“No, but I could use a drink right now,” he replies. I shiver at the thought of drinking. I told myself that I would never and I mean never will I drink. It already destroyed too much of my family.

“That’s funny,” I tell him, laughing. “Good joke.” I stand up and he looks at me, his eyes serious. “Let’s keep you busy.”

“With what?” He stands up.

“Wanna make some quick cash? It isn’t going to be a lot, but it’s work. Who knows, it’ll probably look good on your application or something,” I tell him. I begin to walk and I hope he’s following.

“What are we going to do exactly?” he asks me. I’m high right now and I feel like I should be annoyed, but I’m not. Something about him. I don’t know. I just feel calm around him.

“Stocking shelves.”

We stay quiet the rest of the way and I take him to a small store. The store doesn’t make a whole lot of money, but they’re always looking for workers to stock their shelves and I don’t mind not getting paid a lot. I just need money for food because I just spent the little cash I had on cheap weed. I don’t even feel high anymore. Should have smoked that last joint.

“Here?” he asks me, looking at the store. I nod. We both go inside and the owner smiles once he sees me.

“Got enough for two?” I ask, holding two fingers up. The owner doesn’t say anything, but he waves us over to the back. As we walk by the empty shelves, I know that he has work for the both of us. Good. That’s good news. Means I’ll have enough money for food. Might even have enough money for weed. Good weed, if I shop properly.

“You guys move all this to the shelves.”

“I know what we gotta do,” I tell the owner. He rolls his eyes at me.

“Yeah yeah, just don’t take anything, I know what’s there and if you do,” he points his fingers at me and then Jiyong, staring at Jiyong longer. “You won’t get any money from me, again.”

“Whatever,” I mumble. The owner leaves and I grab a box. I tell Jiyong to do the same and he nods. He follows me to the empty shelves and I tell him where the things go. He picks up where things go pretty fast and moves boxes faster than I do. My body is moving slow, but we’re getting the job done.

“You do this a lot?” Jiyong asks me.

“When I need money.” He nods, like he understands. Bullshit. I think. How could he understand? He’s probably always had the money handed to him. Fuck sakes. Now I’m just being an asshole. I’m scowling.

“You alright?” I shrug.

“Nothing. I’m just thinking,” I lie. He nods, like he doesn’t believe me or something.

We finish stocking and he gives us a fair amount of money. Stepping outside of the store, Jiyong gives me his share.

“What’s this for?” I ask, looking at the money in my hand.

“I don’t need it.”

I try arguing with him, but it doesn’t work. He insists that I keep the money and after a while, it’s a lost cause arguing with him. He just won’t take the money.

No one has ever done that for me before. To be so kind and for what feels like for no reason. Just to be kind and that, makes me go wild in shear happiness. I keep my cool though.

We start walking and Jiyong tells me that he hates school. I’m almost shocked, but I keep my face straight.

“I think the only reason why I go is to make my parents happy,” he says, sitting down on a bench. We’re in front of a liquor store and I want to ask why we stopped here, but I don’t. “Why don’t you go?”

“Because I have no reason too,” I say and I sound stupid. My cheeks feel hot and I hate when this happens. It only happens when we’re talking and I can’t make sense of it.

“That’s a real good reason,” he says, mocking me.

I stand up and tell him to follow me. He tells me to wait and I ask him what for. An old man sits next to Jiyong and Jiyong starts talking to him. It’s mostly hushed tones and I can’t really make out what they’re saying even though I’m only a few feet away from them. Jiyong gives the old man money that we didn’t earn and I think they’re doing a deal, but that’s not what it is. The old man goes into the liquor store and comes out shortly with a small brown bag. I figure is some kind of alcohol. Whiskey maybe.

The old man walks the other way and Jiyong tells me to go. I don’t really know what happened, but I think back to what he said at the playground. Damn. He was serious. He drinks. It almost hits me like bullets, but I don’t want to say anything around Jiyong. He’s just as fucked up as I am.

We walk down the street and we keep walking till we’re at my place. I walk to the door and Jiyong asks me where we are. I don’t say anything, but he follows me anyway. I don’t really know why I brought him with me here, but we both walked in and he didn’t say anything. Jae was in the living room, watching TV.

“Mom back?” I ask him and he shakes his head. Both Jiyong and I walk towards my room and once Jiyong was in my room, I grabbed a knife from my dresser and stuck it in between the casing above the door, then locked the door knob. This way, I knew no one was going to come in here.

“Why are you doing that?” Jiyong asks me as he sits on the bed, the brown bag in hand. I hope he doesn’t think he can drink that here. I hate the smell.

“I don’t like people coming into my room.” He nods and I go to the window, opening it all the way before sitting down on the bed next to Jiyong. Our thighs are touching and it doesn’t feel wrong.

“You mind?” he asks me, holding the bag up. I nod. “You don’t have to drink with me.”

“I just don’t like that shit. Ruined too much of my life.”

“Then why’d you open the window?” He asks me and I look at him confused.

“Parents know about this?” I point to the bag.

“They don’t care.”

“Do you think I care?”

“I didn’t want you to care, you just seemed like you would understand,” he says, whispering.

I don’t know what to say.

What I should tell him.

Do I tell him to stop?

I don’t even know him.

He doesn’t know me.

That’s the problem.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend to go back to right now? Instead of hanging out with me.”

He starts laughing and my heart begins to race. His smile makes my heart melt and he sets the bag on the floor.

“That girl isn’t my girlfriend, she’s my sister.” He’s still laughing and I feel embarrassed. She looked like she could be his girlfriend. They don’t look remotely close to be siblings. My bad.

After Jiyong is finished laughing, he stand up and takes the knife out the door. “I should go. It’s getting late.” As he starts leaving, I tell him to stop. Telling him that he’s forgetting something. “Oh yeah. You don’t do this,” he says, coming back to the room and taking the bag with him. He puts the bag in his back pocket. “I had a good evening.”

“Me too,” I tell him. I did. It was awkward, but comforting.

“You shouldn’t smoke anymore. The stuff stinks.”

“Keeps me calm.”

“So does this,” he says, patting his back pocket. He’s referring to himself and I get what he means. “You better come to school tomorrow.”

I nod and he leaves.

I think I have a new friend.

Is he a friend?

I don’t know. I’m just glad he left.

My face is hot and I grab the joint from my pocket.

Cool air is coming into the room and I smoke in silence.

Once I’m done, the door opens and I hear people stumbling in. I get up and look out my door. My mom brought someone home and I know it’s going to be a long night. Turning on my stereo, I turn the music loud and lay in bed, awake.  Jae comes into my room with a pillow and a blanket. I tell him that he can sleep with me and he nods, smiling.

“She’s too loud,” he says and I agree. “Who’s that kid you brought with you?”

“A friend, I think.”

“What do you mean you think? He either is or he isn’t.”

“Whatever, go to sleep. You have school tomorrow.”

“So do you,” he talks back. I roll my eyes and face the other way. He curls up in the blanket and maybe he’s asleep.

As I lay there, I start thinking. This relationship I started with Jiyong, I feel like it’s something I have to keep because if I don’t, he’ll keep drinking. Maybe he’s drinking right now. Maybe he can save me from myself. Maybe. Just maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me forever to post anything. this is almost three thousand words long and this is the longest chapter i have written in forever. as of now, this chapter holds the award of the longest chapter of this story so far. what you think of their relationship progress right now? when my sister started reading it, she was surprised, but liked it. so i'm going to say that i like it as well. any who, please comment, subscribe if you enjoyed.


	6. Can You Feel My Heart?

I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone.   
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.   
The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink.   
I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can You Feel My Heart - Bring Me The Horizon [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbZJ-IgAEg)

 

** Chapter 6 **

_Jiyong_

I don’t know why I tried looking for him. I don’t know why I walked to  _that_ playground or why I smoked  _that_ shit  _that_ left a far worst burn in my throat than  _any_ drink I ever had. I don’t know why I gave him the money we made together. Why I went with him into his home. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. He’s not like a book I’ve read or a paper I’ve written where the words just flowed so easily. They’re missing words and letters to him that just make him broken. So broken. Like me. That hurts. It’s also terrifying to know that someone as broken as me exists. It shouldn’t be possible. Ever.

When he opened the window, I thought he was going to let me drink. Then he said I couldn’t drink and he had this confused look in his eyes when I asked him why he bothered to open the window. It was then I knew not much has changed between us. I was back to square one again; empty.

After leaving his place, I decided to take a long walk home. A long, quiet, much needed, walk. I really needed it. It was already late by the time I left and I knew I would get in the shits with mom when I got home, but in all honesty, I didn’t really care. It didn’t really matter. The evening I just had spent with him was relaxing. Calming. Even though I had a drink with me, I was glad I didn’t drink from the bottle. 

When I saw Seunghyun at the playground, I didn’t think we would actually hang out. I was even more surprised when he wanted to spend time with me. Asked if I wanted to work and even though I never worked a day in my life, it wasn’t all that hard. The only work I have done was study study study and you can’t really use that in everyday life. I guess I learned that this past evening. It was fun, really. Hanging out with him in the evening. 

The next day he does appear in school, just like I asked him to. It makes me feel good that someone actually listens to me. Not just ask me the normal, how my day is going and not really caring to the fact that I’m not okay, ever. Most people don’t bother looking past the ‘I’m okay’ and the fake smile I add. No one. Except for Seunghyun.

I don’t know if I should be in awe of it.

Or if I should be scared to get close to him.

Since the beginning of the school year, I never bothered to look at him twice before. Not once. He just seemed like someone that was never going anywhere. He still looks like that, but after a few times hanging out with him, talking with him––an actual conversation, I realize he’s more than that. He’s someone that wants to go places, but the way things are for him at home, it’s stopping him. Seunghyun’s making it stop him. He won’t tell me what those  _things_ are and I’m not pushing. I get if he doesn’t want to speak.

“Seunghyun,” I say. It’s been a few weeks since we first hung out now. We don’t always talk and it’s a comfortable silence. Not overbearing or awkward and I kind of like those days. Of course, I love when he talks or when I talk, but just sitting there, enjoying each other’s company is enough for me.

“Jiyong,” he mocks. I give his shoulder a light shove before sitting down on the bench. He sits next to me, grabbing his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He sticks one in between his teeth and lights the end. It’s after school and it’s a Friday. We’ve mostly been hanging out during the weekends and during school hours. Youngbae isn’t too happy about my new friendship with him, but who is he to choose my friends? He’s just one of my closest, longest friends I have. He has no say. 

The last time I came home late on a school night, I didn’t hear the end of it ‘til I apologized to my mom for making her so worried. As if she ever gets worried about me. Pfft.

“What’re your plans tonight?” I ask, hoping he isn’t doing anything which he’s most likely doing something. He always says he never has enough time to hang out for more than an hour. I get that he has a brother, but I want to get a few more hours with him other than the little hours during school and watching him smoke after school. Sure, we’re hanging out more, interacting more, but it isn’t enough. I crave more of him.

Seunghyun still gets high, but he promises to never do it around me. I don’t know why he’s acting like we’re dating or something. It’s not like I don’t stay up every night thinking about him in such ways.

Never.

As if. 

“Gonna go home, clean up. I dunno. Why?” He inhales a long drag, holding the smoke in like it’s a joint and then slowly blows the smoke out through his nose. It looks cool and I’m lost in the smoke. “Hm?”

I shake my head, looking in front of us. We still have our uniforms on and I think I should go home and change before I think about doing anything else.

“We should do something.”

“We’re doing something right now,” he says, grinning. Before I can say anything, he continues, “besides, don’t you got something to write. Like you always do.”

“Not tonight.”

“So what, you want to go for a long walk? Talk about things that won’t matter few years from now.”

I look at him and I feel like slapping him.

He always does this. Whenever I want to do something with him, he finds ways to avoid me. Like he’s afraid of me still. I’m not scary. Well, I don’t think I am.

Even in the few weeks we’ve been hanging out, we do nothing more than hang out for a bit after school. I want more than this. I want too much for someone that doesn’t know what they’re doing with life. I fucking hate this friend bullshit. Why am I even bothering?

Before my emotions can get the best of me and I say something I might regret, I stand up. I start walking to my home. 

“Hey!” Seunghyun calls out. I don’t bother saying anything in return. He already has plans. Why’s he bothering? Whatever. 

A drink would be good.

Seunghyun taps my shoulder and I don’t say anything but look up at him as I continue on walking.

“Where’re you going?” he asks me.

“No where.” I continue walking. Not even bothering if he follows or not. I just walk and walk and walk until I’m outside my house. I look at Seunghyun and he looks up like he’s amazed by where I live.

“You live here?” I nod. “Wow!” That’s all he says as I walk towards the door. He’s standing there in awe and I don’t know if I should tell him he can come in or leave him standing there. Before saying anything, Seunghyun blinks and shakes his head as he follows me in. My mom is gone and so is my dad. They needed to get away and just left me and Chaerin here.

“Hey!” I call out as I walk in further, kicking my shoes off. If my parents were here, I wouldn’t have let Seunghyun follow me here. They wouldn’t like him. They’re too quick to judge by appearances. Seunghyun has this natural mean look he gives to people that don’t know him. After a couple of days, that’s when I saw more than a scowl on his face and started seeing a smile instead. His smiles don’t last long. They’re quick, but it’s obvious he’s sincere when he does smile.

“I’m in here,” I hear Chaerin say from the living room. I tell Seunghyun that my room is upstairs, the first door to the right. He nods and goes up the stairs quickly. I walk into the living room and Chae is sitting on the couch, watching something on the TV. I don’t pay any attention to what it is, but what catches my eye is the fact that Chae is still in her pajamas and all the garbage that’s piled up around her.

“You okay?” I ask her, sitting on the edge of the couch.

“Yeah, why?” She’s quick to answer, looking at me confused.

“Nothing. You’re just not dressed up. You always dress up.” She tells me that she just wanted to relax because she didn’t plan on going anywhere. I smile at her and I feel happy. It feels like before. Before she left and started to venture out on the world.

She stands up and ruffles her hand in my hair and walks to the kitchen. I follow her and she asks if I’m hungry. I tell her that I am and that she should cook for three people.

“Who’s that that came home with you?” she asks.

“Seunghyun.” She doesn’t say anything else and I take that as my cue to go upstairs where Seunghyun is waiting for me.

I open the door and I see him laying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling.

“Sorry, I was talking to Chae,” I tell him.

He looks at me and asks, “That’s your sister, right?” I nod my response and go to the closet. Grabbing a few pieces of clothes before going to the bathroom to change.

I return shortly after and I see Seunghyun standing in front of the window, looking out. I admire how calm he looks...


	7. Desert Song

Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wraith   
Well after all, we’ll lie another day   
And through it all, we’ll find some other way   
To carry on through cartilage and fluid   
And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

Desert Song - My Chemical Romance [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk_EKzimgIY)

** Chapter 7 **

_Seunghyun_

The night after Jiyong was at my place, Jae started to notice something different about me. I could tell by the way he looked at me. For starters, I wasn’t smoking as much weed as I usually would in one day. Instead, I turned to cigarettes; something different, but it meant that I wasn’t high all the time. Which is a good thing. It should be. It has to be because since I started hanging out with Jiyong, thoughts of Him are getting to be more blurry. Like they’re almost vanishing. Almost.

I need Jiyong in my life.

I hate to say it because I feel like I only need Jae to keep me going, but that has gotten me no where.

Jiyong is the person I need for a better future for me and Jae. 

That’s it.

Jiyong and Jae are the only people I need in my life. Without them, I have no other reason to be here. Suicide would have taken me already, but it hasn’t and I’m grateful for that. If I ended my life after the first time my mom hit me, I would have never watched Jae grow up. I would have never met Jiyong. They wouldn’t know me and maybe suicide might have taken Jiyong too if he didn’t meet me. I don’t know. I would never dare to ask. Shit is too corny for me.

Although my life is slowly starting to change for the better with Jiyong around, my mom is still here. That will never change. The times when I would tell Jiyong we couldn’t hang out isn’t because I had to clean or watch Jae, my mom she would be shoving me around. Telling me how worthless I am. If there’s one thing I don’t want Jiyong seeing; it’s my mom giving it to me. I have this philosophy that I’ll never beat up my abuser. I didn’t defend myself when I was younger, I won’t now.

It just proves to show how fucked up I am.

When the beatings first started with my mom and I, Jae was still pretty young. 8. Maybe even 6. I doubt he even remembers how mom just pushed me to the ground. She stomped her feet hard against my legs. It felt like she was going to break them. I was scared. She was yelling at me, telling me that I was like my father. My heart pounded hard against my chest. I kept on telling myself that I needed my legs. She wasn’t allowed to break my legs. I need them to runaway and I was nothing like my father. I told myself.

Then she stopped. She reached for the bottle of vodka on the shelf. That’s when I knew she had been drinking. That’s when I told myself I would never do the god awful thing. If this is what alcohol did, I didn’t want a part of it. Jae didn’t need to be a part of it either. I’d hate myself forever if I ever found out Jae had even a sip of the devil’s water. 

I was never going to let him become part of this hell.

He doesn’t need that.

No.

He doesn’t deserve this lifestyle.

I want him to stay as pure as he can for as long as I could hold up the fort.

Another thing, I’ve been going to school more. I want to keep seeing Jiyong. He keeps me calm and it’s a feeling I’ve grown to like. Since the first time I held Jae when he was a baby, I’ve never felt something as calming as this. Smoking weed will never match to the feeling either.

The longer I stay with Jiyong after school, the pushier my mom is with me. Which makes me hate her more. She needs to find other ways to pass her time. Not by beating me, but if she ever decided to turn the hand to Jae, I’ll lose it right then and nothing will hold me back. I’ll give it to her. I don’t care if she’s a lady. I don’t even care if she’s my mom. She’s never gonna be a good one. Not in this lifetime and not in the next either.

One of the times I stayed out later than usual after staying with Jiyong, Jae was in his room, sleeping I guessed. My mom was sitting on the couch in the living room, a glass in hand. I saw the bottle and her pack of cigarettes on the table. She’d been drinking and I knew I needed to go to my room. She wasn’t going anywhere that night and no one was coming over. I could just tell and instead of going to the kitchen to tend to the hunger building in my stomach, I go towards my room. 

My room is at the end of the hall and I know I can get in there without my mom getting to me. Without Jae waking up from the noise. That was if he’s sleeping. I didn’t know whether or not if he was, but I did go home late that night.

I turned the knob, but felt my mom hands pushing me down.

“What the fuck?” I let out.

“Where the fuck were you?” she yelled at me. I tried getting up, but she stepped on my leg. Please don’t. I thought. Not this again. I need my legs and when will she ever understand that? I’m losing my voice.

From stepping onto my legs, her hands hit my chest hard. Probably the hardest I had it since the first time. It was all too much to withstand. Each breath I took was getting harder and harder to let out the harder she hit. 

Please stop. I begged in my mind. My voice became nonexistent. It always does.

Stop.

I can’t breathe. 

Mom, please.

Please. Please. Please!

“Mom?” I heard Jae. My mom got off of me and I felt air leave my chest easier. Jae barely had his eyes open and I still couldn’t breathe easily. As I tried to catch my breath, my mom went to Jae and told him to go back to bed. When she went to the kitchen, Jae walked over to me and hugged me.

It hurt, but I didn’t want to push him away. I would never push his attempt to love me. I already hate myself enough.

“Go get your blanket,” I told him. Without question, he let go and went to his bedroom, grabbing his blanket and pillow. I got up from the floor and went to change my shirt into a wife beater and I took off my pants and traded them for shorts. The shorts cut off just below my knee and I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about Jae to see the marks I have inflicted on myself.

I laid down and Jae laid next to me. I could hear him crying, but I never said anything. I let him cry because I knew he cried for me and that alone, left my chest feeling empty.

* * *

a/n: please check out this amazing [one shot](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/811932/i-swear-i-don-t-have-a-gun-angst-epikhigh-oneshot-tablo) by my brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't seem to sleep anymore, but I'm not writing enough. Well, school started. I will try to keep this on a regular and please note, comments do help motivate me when I'm in a depressed state.


	8. November Rain

If we could take the time   
to lay it on the line   
I could rest my head   
Just knowin’ that you were mine   
All mine   
So if you want to love me   
then darlin’ don’t refrain

November Rain - Guns N’ Roses [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ4a0vW0Y1o)

** Chapter 8 **

_Jiyong_

I sat down on the bed, Seunghyun still lost looking out the window. He looks like he’s thinking really hard about something or maybe he’s just spaced out on something. Either way, he still looks beautiful.

“Hey,” I say, hoping he would look at me. He turns his head and grins widely. Don’t do that! I feel my cheeks flush and I don’t like this. I hate the way he makes me feel and he’ll never know. Something about him tells me that what I’m feeling will never be acted on. That it goes beyond what I know about him and it hurts, but that’s life. I just have to enjoy the time I spend with him, although I want more and I’ll never get that.

“Do you ever just look at where you’re living?” Seunghyun asks, sitting down at the bed. I shake my head, waiting for him to continue. “It’s amazing that we even go to the same school.”

“What do you mean?” I ask and he shrugs. “We’re meant to be separated because of our family differences? That’s a load of bull,” I huff, shaking my head.

“It’s not just that,” he says.

“So what is it?”

He shrugs his shoulder and starts to laugh. Please don’t do this. He makes it impossible for me to think clearly when he laughs like that. When he smiles that way. It hurts because everyone that I know views him as this guy that’s tough and will beat anyone that gets in his way, but that isn’t true. He’s a big softie and he’ll probably kill me if I told anyone this. There was no helping it though, he is just Seunghyun, this guy that loves his brother dearly and will go to the ends of the universe for him. It’s precious.

“What?” I say, shoving him in the shoulder.

He’s still laughing and in between breaths, he says, “All the time we’ve hung out, you never swore. You say things like: Firetruck, Batch of cookies, and other weird things. Like you’re afraid to swear.” He’s breathing heavily as he calms down from his little outburst of laughter. I don’t find any of it funny. I just saw no use in swearing. I hate my life, but I’ll never swear. There was no use.

I feel like I look serious, but I hope Seunghyun knows I love these moments we have together. He’s a completely different person when it’s just him and I. We’ve been together more and I can’t recall the last time I had a drink. Before coming home, I wanted to drink because of him, but I was just being childish. I need to grow up and I feel like I grow more when I’m with him. 

“Chae is cooking for us,” I tell Seunghyun.

“Do you mind if I eat up here?” he asks. I ask him why and he shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t really like eating in front of people unless I’m high.” I nod and I don’t push any further. I tell Seunghyun I’d be right back and went off downstairs. Chae was standing in the kitchen, putting food into bowls. She smiles when I enter and she tells me that she was about to call us down. 

“I’m taking this upstairs,” I tell her, grabbing a bowl. “I’ll be right back to eat with you.” Before she could ask anything, I’m already heading upstairs. I kick the door open and set the bowl of soup on the desk. “You can just leave the dishes in here, I don’t mind cleaning them up after.” I tell him and I quickly add, “I’m eating downstairs with Chae.” I dash from the room and make my way downstairs. 

Chae is sitting at the table and I sit next to her with a bowl of soup and bottled water. Chae is smiling like a fool and I raise a brow at her.

“You like him,” she says with a stupid grin on her face. I shake my head and I feel my cheeks heat up. That is absurd. I will admit, I have been questioning my sexuality when I’m with him and the way he makes me feel, but it can’t be true. Can it? I have no idea. I just know what I feel for Seunghyun is far from something normal.

“I don’t know,” I honestly reply. I continue to eat, taking small sips from my water. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my feelings when Seunghyun is sitting in my room.

“It’s okay,” she tells me. “I mean, if you like guys that way, so be it.” I look at her to see if she’s joking and messing with me, but she isn’t.  She’s serious. 

“Isn’t it wrong?” I ask. I stop eating completely and lean back into the chair. My face isn’t warm anymore, but a bubble is forming in my throat and I don’t know why I want to cry. I can’t remember the last time I cried. When I was child? Probably. Chae pushes her chair away from the table and stands up to give me a hug. That’s when a tear slides down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. Seunghyun might decide to come down and I don’t want him to see me this way.

“There is nothing wrong with it. I’ve been around to so many places and seen so many things, I see nothing wrong with it. Besides that, you’re smiling more and it isn’t just because of me. That makes me so happy.” She laughs lightly and I join her. I’m not crying anymore and she lets me go. 

“I should go back upstairs. He’s probably done eating.” She nods and doesn’t question me about anything anymore. I’m glad. I leave the dining room and make my way to my bedroom. The door is closed and my hand is lingering over the doorknob. I’m scared to go in. I know nothing will happen between us, but that doesn’t stop the fear. It won’t stop the fluttering feeling in my stomach and it won’t stop the thoughts that go through my mind all the time.

I turn the knob and Seunghyun is laying on the bed. He looks peaceful again and like he’s at home with himself. I don’t think he really is, but I can imagine. I know that there are a lot of demons hidden in him. Demons he’ll never show me and I get that. I really do. Some demons aren’t meant to be seen by exorcists. 

He doesn’t move when I walk into the room and I sit at the edge of my bed. I feel like I don’t exist right now, but I don’t mind. He looks like he’s at peace with himself and that much is good enough for me. I’ll always want more of him, that’s the truth. It’s a matter if I act on my feelings or not. I don’t think I ever will. I’m scared that if I do, something will snap in him and I’ll lose this friendship for a relationship that I want.

“Jiyong?” I look down at him. 

He’s looking right at me. 

He knows me. 

Not those eyes again. 

I love them.

I hate them.

Please don’t do this to me.

“Jiyong,” he says with a stern tone. I blink and nod.

“Yeah?” I lick my lips. I clench my hands. I feel sweat forming on my back. I’m nervous and there’s no reason to be. We haven’t done anything and it’s going to stay that way.

“Are you okay?” he asks me. I nod. I’m disagreeing in my mind. He sees me and in that exact moment, I become lost. His lips are pressed against mine and I don’t know what to do. My hand rests on his shoulder as I push him back.

“I thought,” I start, but I can’t finish my sentence. What did I think? He was straight the whole time? Is he doing this because I’m upset? What is it? What?

I lean in and I brush my lips against his. He doesn’t pull away, but moves his lips with mine. He lays down and I’m on top of him. Our tongues are dancing in each other’s mouths and I don’t want to pull away. This is too unreal. I pull away and I rest my forehead against his. We’re both breathing hard.

“Don’t lay on me, please.” I look down at him and I nod. We both shift our bodies and I’m laying beside him, my head resting in my hand as I look at him. He’s still laying on his back and I’m admiring him. 

I feel like it’s wrong for me to ask, but that isn’t going to stop me. “Why?” He looks at me.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” I nod.

“I’ve liked you for a long time,” I admit to him, biting my lip. I feel my cheeks heat up. Why am I telling him this? I feel so far from him even though our bodies are touching. 

“Can you keep a secret?” he asks me and I nod. Kind of thrown off by the question, but I don’t say anything. I wait for what he wants to tell me or show me. I never know with him, but I’m patient. He stands up and tells me that I can’t run away. I blink with confusion, but nod. He stands tall, his hands fidgeting with the buttons of his black slacks. I’m scared. He’s shaking and I want to tell him to breathe, but I can’t. I’m frozen with fear. He unbuttons them and slides them down his thighs and I’m horrified. I never seen anything like it before. So many scars. So much pain. And it’s all on his legs. I start crying. Weeping. Is this the true nature of his pain? Cutting himself to get away from God knows what. I’m torn.

I sit at the edge of the bed and I look at him. His face dark. Slowly, I caress the tips of my fingers along his leg. Before I could actually feel them, he grabs my wrist and tells me to stop. I nod. I tell him to put his pants back on and lay down. He does as he’s told and I lay behind him, wrapping an arm around him to keep him close. I’m still crying and I can’t stop. He tells me to stay calm and that it isn’t my fault, but that doesn’t stop the tears. 

Seunghyun holds my hand as I cry into his back. I’m a mess, but I tell him that I’m there for him. That he can trust me and that he shouldn’t be afraid of me. I don’t know what has gotten over me, but I feel free. We’re laying there and I’m holding him close, trying to find answers to the reason of each cut, but my mouth is closed. I’m crying quietly and I swear, after a certain point, he’s crying too. 

And it’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just killed myself with this chapter. I'm sorry...????


	9. Amor Fati

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depressing shit is coming your way.

Oh God,   
He doesn’t love me   
I know He doesn’t love me   
Well, neither do I

Amor Fati (feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell) - Epik High [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7f2fdJm1oQ)

** Chapter 9 **

_Seunghyun_

I kissed him and it didn’t feel wrong. I didn’t see Him and I only saw Jiyong. I only felt Jiyong and not Him. Jiyong’s lips are soft and everything I imagined they would be. I didn’t want to stop, but then he laid on top of me and I saw Him. I couldn’t freak out at Jiyong so I told him calmly to get off. It may have sounded forced, but he couldn’t be on top of me. I didn’t want to think about Him when I was with Jiyong. Then I showed Jiyong the scars. The makings I inflicted on myself because of Him. How fucking stupid can I be?

Rip my eyes out.

Sew my lips shut.

Burn my ears together.

Chop my hands off.

Kill me slowly with one last kiss.

I wanted to hide from Jiyong, but I couldn’t. Jiyong holding me was a feeling I didn’t want to get away from. It was foreign, something I wanted to feel forever though. I felt whole. Complete when I’m with Jiyong. I don’t know how to handle my growing feelings for Jiyong. He has my head spinning and makes my heart throb when I’m with him.

Jiyong’s still crying when I turn to face him. I cup his cheek and lean in to peck my lips against his lightly. So soft. Just as I suspected. I want to have all of him, but I’m talking out of my ass right now and I let out a light laugh.

“What?” Jiyong asks, blinking tears away. I shake my head and shamelessly tell him that I want all of him, but I say it too quiet for him to make it out. I don’t bother repeating myself. The only thing that matters to me is being with him. I kiss him again and we’re soon making out. His cheeks press against mine and they’re damp from crying. My hand is on the back of his neck, bringing him closer. Even to breathe, we barely break apart. Oxygen is something that doesn’t matter right now. Jiyong is all that matters.

We wrap our legs around each other and after a certain point we’re not kissing anymore. I am lost in his eyes. They’re brown, but not dark. From the fading light shining in from the window as the sun sets, Jiyong’s eyes are vibrant with life. My calloused fingers lightly caress his cheek. He slightly flinches which makes me laugh. He’s so precious. 

“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper softly. He blinks before shaking his head.

“I’m not.”

“Bullshit,” I tell him, grabbing his hand. “You are so damn beautiful compared to me. You have nothing that’s marking your body like mine and even if you did, the beauty would still shine through your kindness.” I stop myself before I say anymore bullshit words. My heart is beating hard. I need to get out of here. Suddenly, everything feels like it’s closing in on me and I look outside and I realize that the streetlights are already turning on. The sky slowly saying goodbye.

I think it’s time for me to go. I press my lips against his again and I stand up. He asks me where I’m going and I told him that I needed to go home. My brother’s there. Maybe I should spend time with him. I make my way to the door and Jiyong gets up, grabbing my shirt. He pecks my lips quickly and gives me a soft smile. That smile is a killer. 

The streets are quiet as I make my way towards my house. It’s too quiet and something inside me feels like something bad happened. I can’t explain this feeling. It feels like either something bad already happened or something is going to happen. My house comes into view and I run to the door. The front door is wide open and my stomach feels heavy. My eyes scan the living room and there isn’t anyone there. I check the kitchen. Silence fills both rooms. Slowly, I make my way down the hall to Jae’s room. 

His door is closed and without thinking, I open it. He’s sitting on the floor by his bed with a book in hand.  I sit next to him and he smiles. It was as if he was waiting for me.

“Why was the door open?” I ask him. I look down and realize that he has a bible in his hand. We didn’t grow up in a religious home, but I didn’t question Jae about the bible.

“Mom probably didn’t close it right when she came back,” he says, looking down at the book again. His fingers lightly grazing over the title. If there was a God, he’d make sure that Jae would have been in a different home and not in this home. This is nothing like a home.

“She here still?” He nods. I give his hair a ruffle and leave the room. I don’t bother walking to my moms room, I head straight to mine. The door is closed and once I open it, I see my mom sitting on my bed. 

“The hell you doing in here?” I ask her, turning the lights on. I see the bottle in her hand and she looks pissed. 

“You’re exactly like your father,” she says, taking a swig from the bottle. I tell her to get out. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I am nothing like my father. I am nothing like Him. I will never fucking be Him. Fuck what she thinks. If she really knew the kind of man he is, she wouldn’t be saying this shit.

My mom stands up and slaps me across the face. “Fucking leave!” I tell her, angry.

“Don’t you dare talk to your mother like that.” She punches my chest. “Without me, you’d be nothing,” she continues. Maybe I should be nothing. “All you do is get high like your damn father. I should’ve let him take you when I had the chance. Making me spend more money then I need to.” I felt something inside me snap when she told me that my father should have taken me with him.

“Fuck you!” I spit at her, shoving her shoulder. That’s when she loses it. She starts throwing punches at my chest and towards my face. The back of my head hits the floor and she’s on top of me. She keeps telling me that I’m like my father and I want to tell her that it isn’t true. Once again, I can’t find my voice and all that is heard are her words and my gasps for air. I don’t know how much time has passed, but she stops. I don’t bother opening my eyes when I hear the door close. I was in pain and I had no weed to numb me.

I stand up and I see the bottle sitting on the floor. It’s half ways full.

Don’t take it.

Leave it alone.

Fuck!

I grab the bottle, a backpack, and my razor. I don’t even bother checking on Jae. He probably heard all the screaming, but that doesn’t matter right now. My lip is bleeding, my chest is pounding in pain, and I’m fucking angry. This fucking sucks because it doesn’t even matter how much anger I build up, I’ll never fight back. I’ll never stand up for myself in front of her.

The only lighting on the street were from the street lights as I walked towards the playground.  As usual, the playground is empty and I go and sit on the bench. I put my backpack on my lap and I unzip the main pocket. The bottle staring right at me. I shouldn’t take it. This is what’s destroying my family. This is the weapon of mass destruction in any home.

I pull the bottle out and open it. My nose presses against the tip and the drink smells strong. It’s a familiar smell. That was the same smell my father had on his breath. The same goddamn smell that always fills my mother up. I’m just as disgusting as she is. Fuck everything!

Quickly, I take a drink and a burn fills my throat and a warm feeling is in my stomach.

One shot.

My stomach is burning.

Two shot.

My head feels uneasy.

Three shot.

He flashes through my mind.

Four shot.

I feel His hands all over me.

FUCK!!!!

Fuck everything. There is no God. There is no home for the sinners. There is no where I can go once I’m dead. There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

I’m no inside the wall. I’m outside the wall. I feel like I can no longer belong to anyone or anything. I also feel like I should just cut all my hair off, cut my wrists into nothing and scream at the top of my lungs into silence. Nothing. That is what I have become. I wish things weren’t like this for me, but it’s something I can’t help. It’s fucking killing me.

My mind is screaming and I haven’t even opened my mouth yet. My heart cries for years to come and nothing will fall from my eyes anymore.

Nothing.

I should just be nothing.

My head spins when I stand up from the bench. I pee behind the bench before I walk home. My whole body feels hot and numb. I don’t know when I get home. My mind is separated by black scenes. I feel like I’m going to fall. This feeling is shit. Why do so many people devote their lives to this?

Staggering, I make my way to my bedroom. I go onto my bed, but I end up on the floor. I’m breathing is hard and the room is spinning. My heart hurts. I put the backpack onto my lap and pull out the razor.

I feel like killing myself. My room is black even though there’s light shining from the hallway. It’s dim, but it’s something. Not complete darkness. I have the razor in my hand. I don’t even bother pulling my pants down. My chest hurts from the beatings and He’s clouding my mind right now. Leave! Leave right now! Fuck!

I stand up and I start throwing things around my room. I don’t care if anything breaks. I’m fucking wasted and everything is a goddamn mess. I’m gonna do it. This is real. Nothing is beautiful. I press the razor on my wrist and I slide it across. Almost instantly, blood starts dripping. I make another cut. More blood. Red covers everything. Darkness becomes all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well there you have that depressing, chapter. if i do say so myself, it's probably one of my best written pieces ever. for months, i have been conteplating suicide, even attempted twice, so that being said, this was hard to write. please comment what you think and i hope you're excited for whats coming next because i'm super excited. till then, stay classy.


	10. Wish You Were Here

How I wish you were here.  
We’re just two lost souls  
Swimming in a fish bowl,  
Year after year,  
Running over the same old ground.  
What have we found?

Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk_V6R_pGfM)

** Chapter 10 **

_Jaeseon’s Interlude_

I was dead asleep when I heard something heavy fall. My eyes shot opened. I was scared. My hands were shaking when I sat up on my bed. The whole house is quiet. My mom is for sure asleep in her room or on the couch. I’m scared to leave my room, but that doesn’t stop me. If it’s Seunghyun, he might need me to sleep with him. I start praying.

_Please let him be okay. Let him be alive._

There is no light coming from his room and the hallway light doesn’t show any light in there. Slowly, I walk to his room and I feel my heart beat fast. I feel like I’ve been running for a very long time and I just stopped. I turn on the light and I see Seunghyun on the floor. There’s blood covering the carpet. I run to the other room and I call for help. My mom wakes up and ask what all the noise is about. I can’t speak. I run to the kitchen and grab a towel. Something tells me in the back of my mind that I have to make sure Seunghyun doesn’t lose anymore blood.

I turn him onto his back and I wrap a towel around one wrist and did it again to the other. Blood soaked through the towel and my heart is beating fast again. I held both of his wrists close to my heart. I start to cry. I’m scared. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him.

_Don’t let him die. Make him strong to last forever._

Then I hear someone at the front door and I look out the window. I see blue and red lights. I don’t know where my mom is. The front door isn’t locked. I let Seunghyun’s arms go and I get up to go to the door. I open it and I tell them to go to the room at the end. They run to him and I start to panic. A cop comes up to me and told me to wait outside. He asks me what happened and I shake my head. 

“I was sleeping and I heard something fall,” I tell him. 

“Where is your mother?” he asks me.

“I don’t know. Is he okay?” I ask him. Before he could say anything, the paramedics bring him out and he’s not in a black bag. Not like in the movies I’ve seen. He isn’t dead. I run to them and ask if I can go with them. They let me in the back with him and everything feels crowded in the truck. 

We get to the hospital and they rush him into a room. I go to the waiting room and there, I’m met with the cop from earlier. He comes to me and asks for my name. I tell him. “Jaeseon. Choi Jaeseon.”

“How old are you?” 

“Twelve.” Barely a teenager. I’ve probably seen more than he did when he was my age. He nods and stands up, going to the desk. I don’t know what for. I see the doctor come out and he comes to me. 

“He’s stable,” he says. “He’s lost a lot of blood, but he’s still breathing.”

“Can I see him?” I ask. He nods and I follow him to his room. The whole hospital is bright, but his room, only the lamp is on. I sit in the chair next to the bed. I’m scared to touch him. I’m scared something bad might happen. The cop from earlier comes to the room and before he could ask me anything, I start running. I run out of the room. I try to not bump into anyone as I run out of the building. I shouldn’t be here. Seunghyun shouldn’t be here. We shouldn’t be here. Nothing is right.

_Take me away._

I keep running until I can’t run anymore. My legs feel sore and I end up standing there, trying to catch my breath again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Seunghyun could have died. He could be dead right now, but he isn’t. Now he’s in the hospital barely breathing and my mom is gone. I have no idea where she is and I’m sure she doesn’t care.

It’s still dark outside and I have no place to go. My house isn’t an option. I didn’t feel like cleaning up blood or the thought of thinking about all that blood. Without no place to go, I start walking towards Seunghyun’s friend Daesung.

I rub my arms to try and keep warm as I continue walking to Daesung’s. I see the apartment he lives at and I run to the door. I look for his name and I see three others. I go with my gut and press a button. I don’t even know what time it is.

“Hello?” I hear someone answer. I feel bad for waking them up.

“Uh, I’m Seunghyun’s brother and I––”

“Seunghyun isn’t here.”

“No. I need somewhere to stay.”  The buzzer went off and I opened the door. I walked up the stairs to his apartment and he stood at the door. His eyes went wide once he saw me. I looked down and noticed that I had been walking around with blood all over me. Daesung wraps his arm around me and takes me into his home. 

“Are you alright?” he asks me, concerned. I shake my head and he tells me that I can borrow some of his clothes to shower.

“Why?”

“Have you looked at yourself? You look like you walked out of horror house.” I want to laugh, but I look down and realize that I have blood all over my clothes. Seunghyun’s blood. I stand up and I ask him where the washroom is. He tells me and I quickly go and shower. I scrubbed and scrubbed my body hard. I didn’t want to leave any trace of blood on me. The clothes I wore earlier are now in the bathroom trash and I put on some of Daesung’s clothes. They’re big on me, but I don’t mind.

Daesung is in the kitchen and he’s cooking eggs. He tells me to sit down. Once the eggs are done, he sets them in front of me and I don’t know if I want to eat or not. I eat anyway. 

“What happened?” he asks me. I blink at him. What did happen at home?

“I think Seunghyun tried to kill himself.” His eyes widen in shock. 

“What do you mean?”

“He had all these deep cuts on his wrist when I found him. There was blood everywhere. He’s at the hospital now, but I don’t know if I wanna go back.” Daesung gets up and grabs keys from on top of the fridge. I looked at the time and it’s almost 4. I’m getting tired.

“Let’s go. Which hospital?” I stand up and I tell him as he locks up his apartment. We go downstairs and I ask him if he’s supposed to drive. He shakes his head. Right now, I don’t really care. 

We get to the hospital and Daesung shuts the car off and we both head inside. I walk towards the room they put Seunghyun in. Daesung walks in and I stay in the hallway. I watch as Daesung sits on the same chair I was on earlier. I feel sick. I should be sitting there, praying for him, but I can’t move. I’m stuck. Seunghyun moves and looks up at Daesung. They’re talking, but I don’t know what they’re saying. They’re whispering. Then Daesung gets off the chair and tells me to come inside. I nod slowly before walking in and I sit on the chair Daesung was on.

I don’t bother looking at Seunghyun, but I hear him tell Daesung to sit outside. He ruffles his hand in my hair and I look up at him. He doesn’t look like my brother. He’s pale and looks weak. There isn’t no God that can save us. I don’t think.

“Jae,” Seunghyun whispers. I can’t speak. “Where’s mom?”

“I don’t know. She bolted before the cops came.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. I stand up. I want to throw something.

“Why, Seunghyun? Were you planning of leaving me?” I ask him, angry. I don’t even know where this is coming from.

He shakes his head. “Sit down.” I shake my head. He glares at me. I don’t move. I’m standing at the end of his bed and I feel like crying. “It wasn’t your fault,” he tells me.

“So what was it? Mom pull your lip too hard or what?” My eyes burn. 

“It wasn’t like that.” I look out the window and I feel the tears go down my face. I don’t bother wiping them away. What if Seunghyun actually died? What would I have done? Where would I have gone for comfort? God can’t help me. He barely saved my brother. My brother could’ve been dead. I could’ve been left with our mom.

“If you died, it would’ve just been me and mom.” I bit my lip to hold in my sob.

“My dad did some fucked up things to me. Mom brought him up and I lost it. I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking when I cut myself. I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore.” I nodded and went and sat at the end of the bed.

“Have you done it before?” I ask him. He looks at me, confused.

“Kill myself? No.”

“Not that. Cut yourself.” He looks hurt. Tears start falling down his face and he wipes them away. He’s crying hard and I don’t really get it. Is that a yes? A no? Is he upset with me?

“Come here,” he says. I nod and he pulls me in for a hug.

“I love you,” I whisper.

He pushes me back. “Don’t ever do what I just did. Don’t ever drink. Ever. That shit will fuck you up all over. Doesn’t matter what you do. You have no control over that shit.” I nod. The bed isn’t very big, but he makes room for me and we end up going to bed. I went to bed happy knowing that Seunghyun is still here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: well there was the first and only interlude for this story. i hope you enjoyed this and sorry it took me months to update. if you read the last author's note, well, i was there again. it's funny, i keep coming close to almost killing myself. never fully there. well damn, maybe i am supposed to live? i don't know. next chapter will be jiyong's and until then, stay classy.


	11. The World At Large

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry I haven't updated this in forever. I have been in a writing's block for years and have slowly been getting back into writing again. I want to finish this story and I think I will. Just be patient with me while I try to

I know that starting over is not what life’s about.

But my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth.

My thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth.

My thoughts were so loud.

 

The World At Large - Modest Mouse 

 

Chapter 11

_Jiyong_

I couldn’t sleep after Seunghyun left. My lips burned and all I wanted to do was kiss him. I told myself before going to bed that when I would see Seunghyun at school the next day, I would sneak him away and ask him for a kiss. Now I’m sitting in class and Seunghyun didn’t come to school. I’m trying to act like I don’t care, but that didn’t stop Youngbae from asking what was wrong.

“Nothing. My parents are coming home today,” I lied. Kind of. I didn’t really wanna see my parents either, but Seunghyun should’ve been in school. He’s been on my mind since last night.

“Alright, but I was once the guy that you told everything to,” he says, adding a shrug to his shoulder. I glared at him. I’m tempted to tell him that he barely knows me, but I stay quiet. Was he even my best friend anymore? Was he ever?

The bell rings and Youngbae looks up and asks if I want to hang out with him after school. I tell him that I have to be home when my parents get back. He nods.

“Or do you just want to be with Seunghyun?” Before I could say anything, he walks away towards his desk. The afternoon felt like it dragged on forever. Once the last bell rang, I bolted out of there. The teacher wanted to see me, but I didn’t really care or even bother seeing them. I decided that I would go home, change and go and look for Seunghyun. I bolted out of the building before anyone could stop me. The walk home felt short and maybe it was because I was rushing to look for Seunghyun.

Once I walk into my house, it feels awfully quiet. It’s like I’m walking on thin ice.

“Jiyong, is that you?” I hear my mom ask.

“Yeah,” I reply. She tells me to go to the kitchen and I freeze. All the bottles I had hidden away were on the table. I hid those well. There would be no way they could’ve stumbled on them. They must have been looking through my things. My heart starts beating fast. I can’t move.

“Sit down,” my mother says, angry. I’m unable to move. I’m stuck in a trance. I did nothing wrong for them to go through my things. I did nothing.

“Jiyong, your mother asked you to sit down,” my dad says. Slowly, I walk towards the chair and sit down. I keep my head down. I don’t bother looking at them. I feel sick. I need a drink. 

“Have you been drinking?”

“What? No,” I quickly answer. “I was at school.”

“Don’t lie to me,” my mother demands. “I know these bottles didn’t drink themselves.” I bite my lip. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say right now. Do I tell them the truth or lie? Lie. I should lie. I wonder if Chae is here. Does she know or did she leave again?

“I-I’m not,” I stutter. I bite my lip. I need Seunghyun right now. I want to run away from here. I can’t be here right now. I need Seunghyun.

My mother slaps my cheek. My cheek burns and I quickly cover it with my hand. Looking up at my mother, she looks serious. I turn to look at my father, he doesn’t say anything. They both seem disappointed in me. I fucked up. I’m sorry.

“Jiyong,” my dad starts, “when did it start?” he asks, calm. He’s scaring me. Something about my dad being really calm is scaring me more than the anger in my mother’s eyes. I shrug. I can’t remember. When did it all start? I have always been drinking. It feels like forever. I can’t remember the times before the alcohol. It has always been there. Then Seunghyun came and the bottles started to disappear too. I need him.

“Fuck off,” I say. My mother shoves me in the shoulder. I stand up and start walking. She grabs my arm, stopping me.

“We’re talking to you.”

“There isn’t anything to talk about,” I tell her. I want to cry. I can’t stay here. I need to go. But I can’t stay in my school uniform. I shake out of my mom’s embrace and run upstairs. They’re yelling at me to go back, but I shut them out. I don’t fucking care what they think. I just need to get out. I get to my room and I slam the door. I grab for my backpack and I start shoving clothes in there and a few books. I don’t know what else to pack and I can hear my parents coming up the stairs. I quickly grab my phone charger and I open my door. I haven’t even changed yet, but that doesn’t matter.

My parents stood in front of me, my dad still has the calm look, but my mom looks angrier than ever.

“You need help, Jiyong,” my dad says. I shake my head. Fuck it! I punch my dad in the face.

“I’m a fucking alcoholic.” And I run out. My backpack on my back and my shoes in my hand. I didn’t have enough time to put them on. After running for some time, I stop. I grab my phone and call Youngbae. It rings for a while. I feel like he’s ignoring me.

Then he answers, “Jiyong?”

“Hey, Youngbae,” I reply. I sound like I’m about to break. I didn’t realize I wanted to cry until I started to talk to someone. I swallow hard. Trying to hide the fact that I’m at the brink of crying.

“You okay?” he asks me and I shake my head. My eyes start to water and I feel the bubble forming in my throat.

“Yeah. Yeah. Are you home?” I ask with a shaky breath.

“I am. Is everything okay?” he asks me again.

“I’m coming over. I’ll be there in a bit.” Then I hang up before he could say anything more. I feel so upset as I walk to Youngbae’s, it feels like it didn’t take long to get here. Maybe it took a while, but I wouldn’t know. I just feel so sad and angry. Like how could my parents do that to me? I didn’t do anything wrong for them to go through my things. Nothing. That’s the most confusing part of this whole situation. I did nothing.

I walked over to the main door of the apartment building. I pressed the button to his place and waited. It beeped a few times before I hear Youngbae.

“Let me up,” I tell him and he buzzes the door. I open it and I go to his floor. I walked in and Youngbae was sitting in the living room. I don’t even bother saying anything as I walked to the bathroom. I don’t even bother locking the door. I strip myself of my school uniform and I get into something more comfortable. Youngbae walks in as I’m putting my shirt on.

“What happened to you?” he asks me. I look at myself in the mirror and realize that my cheek started to bruise. I look back at Youngbae.

“My mom hit me,” I tell him. His eyes go wide. Like he’s surprised. Maybe he is? It feels like a really long time since I’ve told anything to Youngbae. I’m pretty sure it has. Seunghyun and I have been close for a while now and I really only talked with him. Not so much Youngbae anymore.

“Why? She seems so nice.”

“She found out I’d been drinking,” I tell him. I’m leaning against the bathroom counter.

“I thought you stopped,” he says. I shake my head. “How long?” I shrug.

“None of that matters. I don’t even do it that much anymore anyways.”

“Because of Seunghyun?” I nod. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. My backpack is laying on the floor next to Youngbae. I’m reaching for the bag, but Youngbae grabs it and holds it away from me.

“Give it to me,” I tell him. I reach for it again, but he pushes me away. I look up at him. “I need to find Seunghyun.”

“Let me go with you. You’re scaring me,” he says to me. I shrug before I nod. I tell him that we should go now.

“Where are we going?” Youngbae asks. I tell him we’re going to Seunghyun’s. He nods and hands me back my backpack. I put it back on and we start walking out of the apartment. As we walk down the street, I start telling Youngbae everything that’s been happening these past few weeks. I tell him about how hard I started crushing on Seunghyun the more that we spent time together. I even told him how Seunghyun had been cutting himself and he has all these cuts on his legs. I talked about how hard Seunghyun has it at home. I even told him how Seunghyun and I made out last night. Youngbae didn’t judge. He just listened.

“I’m really scared,” I confess.

“About what?”

“I don’t know. I feel like Seunghyun did something. He doesn’t really miss school because he hangs out with me. It’s really the only time we spend time together because he goes home to take care of his brother.”

“Maybe everything’s alright and he’s just missing today,” he tries to assure me. I nod slowly. We stay silent the rest of the way and not long after, we end up outside of Seunghyun’s house. There’s one light on and I had a feeling that no one was home, but that didn’t stop me from walking to the door. I didn’t even bother knocking. I just turned the knob and even with Youngbae’s protest, I walked right in. The house is awfully quiet. It’s unsettling.

Before I could call out, Seunghyun’s little brother walks to the door.

“Where’s Seunghyun?” I ask him. He looks sad.

“Hospital.” I raise a brow at him. “He almost died.” I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say. Seunghyun’s little brother could probably tell and he tells me which hospital he’s at. I thank him and Youngbae and I leave.

“We’ll cab it..”

“I don’t have much money,” I explain, slightly embarrassed.

“I’ll pay for it,” Youngbae says. I was going to protest, but didn’t bother. I really want to see Seunghyun and that is my only motive. 

The ride to the hospital is silent, but it doesn’t take long. Which is nice. We both walk in and I go to the desk and ask where I can find Seunghyun. She tells us and lets us know that visiting hours are ending soon. I nod and we both go towards the elevators. Once we’re in the elevator, Youngbae asks, “What do you think that kid meant when he said that he almost died?”

“I don’t know. I’m hoping nothing too bad happened,” I answer honestly.

We’re quiet once we got off the elevator and I make my way towards his room. Youngbae went and sat on some chairs that were in the hallway. I see Seunghyun’s room and I walk in. His room is dark. Seunghyun notices me coming, but he doesn’t say anything. I notice the bandages around both of his wrists. My heart starts to beat harder. I sit down on the chair next to his bed.

“Hey,” I say softly.

“You see my brother?” he asks me.

“Yeah. He’s at home. I went looking for you there.” He nods slowly. I look down at his wrists. “Everything alright?”

“Nearly died last night.” My heart sinks. I’m stunned for words. “It’s not because of you. Just some fucked up things.”

“What happened?” He shrugs and says that I should probably come back tomorrow. “Why not tell me now?” He points to the clock. Visiting hours are over. I stand up and hover by his bed. I want to hug him. “C-can I hug you?” I ask, shy. He nods and I gently wrap my arms around him. He tightly wraps his around me and I give in, sinking into his arms.

 “You should get going,” he says quietly.

“I’m glad you’re still here,” I whisper. I pull away and he presses his lips on my cheek and I head out. I want to cry, but I won’t. Not until I get home. Youngbae and I leave the hospital and I don’t tell him anything. I can’t really talk. Seunghyun almost died last night. He tried to kill himself. That much was obvious. Why else would he have those bandages around his wrist?

Youngbae gives me some money and takes a separate cab from me. He tells me to stay strong and hugs me before getting in. I nod and get into another cab. The drive home feels like forever and I really don’t want it to end. Getting home means I have to deal with my parents and I don’t really want to deal with anything right now. Seunghyun could’ve been gone forever.

I pay the driver and I get out. I slowly walk to the door. I hesitate, but open the door. I take off my shoes before I make my way upstairs. My parents aren’t anywhere to be seen. That’s a relief. They’re probably in their room or they went to keep themselves busy. I didn’t want to deal with them anyway.

I go into my room and turn on the lights. I wasn’t expecting to see Chae sitting on my bed. “Oh, hey. Thought you bailed again,” I tell her, taking my jacket off. I can already feel myself almost crying. She gets up and hugs me. It was then that I lost it and start crying into her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” she coos. I pull away and tell her that I’m tired. She doesn’t say anything and nods as I get under the covers. She tells me to move over and lays next to me. She help me. Her arms feels so nice and I feel so safe. So secure in her arms. She held me until I cried myself to sleep. Waking up the next morning, I didn’t expect her to stay with me the whole night. I thought she would have left after I fell into a slumber, but she stayed with me. 


End file.
